


The infinite curse of a lonely heart

by kaijuborn



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-24 01:05:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8350141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaijuborn/pseuds/kaijuborn
Summary: Hanzo didn't believe in love at first sight. And then, when he arrived at the Watchpoint on Gibraltar courtesy of his little brother, he met Jesse McCree.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of people (me including) write McHanzo in a way where Jesse falls in love with Hanzo first, and I wanted to do the opposite! 
> 
> And then it got out of control. This turned out really angsty.
> 
> EDIT: As some of you have noticed, yes, I have removed chapters two and three. I wasn't very pleased with them when I originally posted them, and it's been bothering me ever since. I won't reupload the chapters or continue this story in any other way; I like the way it is as a one-shot.

Hanzo didn't believe in love at first sight.

 

He could believe in lust at first sight, as something that might happen for other people, but never for himself. Even though he believed it existed, he had never understood it as it had never happened to him. He had been in a relationship when he was younger, as had been expected of him, and while he had enjoyed the girl's company enough he had never truly been interested in her, and the feeling had appeared to be mutual. When traveling alone across the world, Hanzo had come across plenty of people who had been attracted to him, but he had never been able to reciprocate their desire.

 

And then, when he arrived at the Watchpoint on Gibraltar courtesy of his little brother, he met Jesse McCree.

 

Tall and dark and rugged, the first time Hanzo laid eyes on him he felt a warmth crawl down his chest into his stomach. Jesse moved with the confidence of a man used to killing, and a man who knew he looked good on top of that. Brown shaggy hair hidden underneath a cowboy hat, dark eyes, unfairly long lashes, scruffy beard and full lips. His chest and shoulders were broad, his arms strong and his hands large.

 

It took Hanzo a good couple of days to figure out he was attracted to Jesse, so unused to the feeling that he had trouble placing it.

 

Jesse's appearance wasn't the only thing that got to him. His voice was rich and sweet, the syllables of his drawling speech coiling like warm snakes in the pit of Hanzo's stomach and around his heart. When Jesse laughed he laughed loudly, like he meant it, throwing his head back and grinning until Hanzo could see a lone gold tooth in his mouth. The sound of it sent shivers down Hanzo's spine and stopped his breath in his throat.

 

The gunslinger was kind and generous, especially towards Genji and the younger members of Overwatch. Hanzo would catch him speaking halting Japanese with his younger brother, playing video games with Hana or practicing basketball with Lúcio and Lena.

 

The only one Jesse didn't seem to care for was Hanzo.

 

Hanzo didn't understand why; couldn't understand why. Jesse, who called everyone else by their given name, always called Hanzo ' _Shimada_ ', sometimes even stooping to ' _the archer_ '. All of Jesse's kindness and generosity that he showed the others seemed to vanish completely as soon as they were face to face. He never initiated a conversation, and when Hanzo tried he was met by snide replies and snarky remarks, followed by bad excuses as to why he had to leave. Jesse never sat next to him in the canteen, never complimented him during practice like he did with the others, never returned his greetings, barely even looked at him during particularly bad days. 

 

On some days it was enough to make Hanzo stay in his room, hide away, heart aching and thoughts confused. He had never felt this way about anyone before; was this love? And if it was, was it unrequited love? He was inexperienced with these this and he didn't know how to act; he didn't even know what to say to his brother during his gentle inquiries.

 

As time went on Hanzo quietly hoped that things would change; either that his feelings would fade away, or that by some miracle, Jesse would change his attitude. At some point, Hanzo stopped wishing Jesse would return his feelings and instead wished Jesse would just consider him a friend, call him by his given name, at least look at him with kindess every now and again.

 

Was this his curse, to be forever in love with a man who hated him?

Three agonizing months passed. The organization grew stronger as more people joined and they gained the support of larger and larger companies as well as the media. Their operations grew bigger and more crucial, and Hanzo found himself fighting for his life more than once.

 

Everything wasn't terrible. He did enjoy being part of Overwatch. He enjoyed spending time with his brother, practicing in the combat arenas on the Watchpoint, going on missions with them and relaxing with them afterward. It was nice to have a place where he belonged, and a purpose in life.

 

During one mission in London where they fought against Talon agents, Jesse had been in a bad spot and close to getting overwhelmed by the enemies. Despite working better at long range, Hanzo had leapt down from his perch and run over to him, struggling to take out agents left and right and effectively saving the gunslinger's life.

 

He hadn't even received a ' _thank you_ ' in response, but instead a gruff ' _I don't need yer help_ '.

 

Later that day, after a long and exhausting flight back to the Watchpoint, Hanzo found himself solemnly wandering the corridors heading back to his room. It was late and dark and most of the agents had already gone to bed, but not for the first time Hanzo found himself unable to sleep. He wished he could; he knew he needed the sleep and he was tired of being awake. Despite Jesse's ungratefulness earlier and despite the way he had treated Hanzo for months now, Hanzo was still worried about him as he had gotten injured during the operation. He knew Jesse would never want him to visit him in the med bay, but perhaps Hanzo could at least speak with Angela, to see how the gunslinger was doing.

 

He passed by a row of large windows, the moonlight shining in through them. Looking out, he could see the landing pad where their lone jet was parked.

 

A noise to his side made him quickly turn his head. A door opened, light spilling out into the dark corridor, revealing the silhouette of Jesse. He stopped for the briefest of moments as he seemed to realize Hanzo was the one standing in front of him, but then continued, stepping out into the hallway and walking past Hanzo without so much as a second look.

 

“Jesse”, Hanzo said without being able to stop himself. He usually called him McCree, as he realized the gunslinger probably wouldn't take kindly to being referred to as Jesse by him. Jesse gave him a glance, barely slowing down. Hanzo forced himself to hurry after him, falling into a brisk walking pace next to him. His heart was thumping high up in his throat, and he forced his voice to remain calm. “Are you well? You were injured during the fight.”

 

“M'fine”, Jesse grumbled, barely two syllables. 

 

“I apologize if I acted wrongly during the operation. I only wished to aid you”, Hanzo said, biting back the sadness welling up inside him. Even after saving Jesse's life, he was still like this? Jesse snorted, but it was without humor. The sound tore at Hanzo's heart, and he stopped walking, letting out a deep breath. “Why do you hate me?” he wondered, his voice sounding weak and pathetic even to his own ears. 

 

Jesse slowly turned around to face him, looking right into his eyes, for the first time Hanzo could even remember. His brow was furrowed in part annoyance, part irritation, and his eyes seemed black in the dimness of the corridor.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

Hanzo took a deep breath.

 

“Why do you treat me this way? What have I done to wrong you?” He could feel the tears stinging at the corner of his eyes and was happy for the darkness where they stood. Jesse just stared at him for a moment, standing completely frozen, as if trying to figure him out. “I do not understand.”

 

“Are you serious?” Jesse asked. Hanzo met his gaze, perplexed by the question. “You really gotta fuckin' ask?” When Hanzo failed to produce an answer, Jesse huffed and took a step forward. “I knew Genji when we were both stationed here. We were friends. I saw what you'd done to him. I know how much he's suffered 'cause of you. He told me everythin'.” Every word that left Jesse's lips cut into Hanzo's heart, tearing open wounds he had fought so hard to close, leaving him aching and bleeding, vulnerable and hurt. Jesse raised his voice, enough to make Hanzo draw back, suddenly afraid, both of what Jesse might say and of what he might do. “I held him when he cried 'cause _his own fuckin' brother_ tried to kill him.” Jesse took another step forward and shoved a hand into Hanzo's chest, making him stumble back. “ _I stopped him from fuckin' killin' himself when he didn't want to go on anymore!_ ” he barked right into Hanzo's face. 

 

Hanzo drew in a sharp breath and couldn't stop a couple of tears from rolling down his cheeks. His mind was reeling from Jesse's harsh words, unable to grasp them and unwilling to accept them. Genji hadn't told him much from his time at Overwatch before the fall, and Hanzo hadn't asked. He knew in his heart Jesse was telling the truth, and it made his chest feel hollow, a terrible and consuming ache unlike anything he had ever felt before.

 

Jesse had moved back a bit again, breathing heavily, still staring Hanzo down with a hatred that made him want to drop to his knees and give up on everything.

 

“He says he's forgiven you, but he's a goddamn fool if he means it”, Jesse bit. “He says he's accepted what you did and wants to be with you again, but I'll never fuckin' allow it. I won't ever forgive you for what you did. You're a goddamn brother killer.”

 

Jesse spat on the ground in front of Hanzo, making him flinch, before turning around and storming out of there, leaving Hanzo alone.

 

Trembling and silently crying, Hanzo sunk to the floor, his heart shattering into a million pieces. A noise made its way past his lips, a pathetic mix of a whine and a cry, and he curled up on the floor, hugging himself and wanting nothing more than to die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY. 
> 
> Though, the more I think about it, the more I feel like this could be canon - at least if Jesse and Genji were close friends back in the day. Genji has had plenty of time to process what Hanzo did and forgive him, but Jesse is probably still hanging onto the hatred towards Hanzo he developed when he was younger. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ Also, I did consider making this fic longer and giving it a happy ending, but so far everything I've written has had a happy ending, so I didn't really feel like it :P
> 
> You can follow me on tumblr for updates and stuff! http://kaijuborn.tumblr.com/


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